The boy was here this weekend. While his Aunt worked, he and I spent the morning talking. His grandmother was losing her battle with ALS and he was facing the big questions. Do you want to know what is going to happen after your grandmother dies, I asked? I don't know was his answer. So begins our conversation. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell, he asks. Yes I reply. What do you think happens when you die, he wants to know. I tell him I think you become an angel and then watch over the people you love. I tell him I talk to my Grandmother all the time. I tell him it will get better in time. I tell him it will take his Mom a long time to go through the loss of her Mother. I tell him when he graduates from high school, his Mom will want her Mom there to watch. I tell him when he gets married, she will want her Mom too. I tell him this is normal and that it's not something he can fix. Sometimes serious, sometimes laughing, we make our way through life, death and everything in between.
We talk about how young she is. She is only 56 and he tells me she died and was brought back to life many years ago; a brain aneurysm. We talk about how his Mom isn't going to get ALS, nor is he. There is so little I can do to help him through this life experience, except listen and answer his questions as honestly as I can. I know he is unsure and afraid. I tell him what to expect at a viewing, a funeral, how many people will visit his house, how busy things will be for a few days and then it will stop. He asks about open caskets. He is curious. We talk about how tiring a viewing can be; greeting and talking to people when you really don't feel like talking. We talk about how his family will get to go early to the funeral home and have private time with his grandmother. It is refreshing to talk about death because most adults are uncomfortable talking about the subject.
Our conversations remind me of people I've lost; my grandmother, my grandfather, a cousin who was only 15, and a boyfriend. It reminds me that I too will lose my Mother someday. My brother and I have a pact that neither of us can die first because neither can face the loss of the other. Our conversation remind me that no matter how old or young we are, death and what happens after dying, are HUGE ideas. It also reminds me, as all deaths do, how precious life is and how fast it can slip away. Enjoy every minute of it.
PS: This morning his grandmother lost her battle with ALS; the boy now has a angel to watch over him.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday, December 27, 2009
New Year's Resolutions er Changes
It's that time of year when I take stock. What would I do differently? What character flaws do I want to improve? If I could spend my life doing exactly what I want what would that look like and more importantly how do I get there? Soul searching; and I've been doing it for weeks. So in an effort to be accountable, and who better to be accountable to than the coffee girls, here are the changes I'd like to make in 2010. I intend to:
Be present in the moment more. I spend most of my life doing rather than being and thinking about what needs to be done next rather than in the moment.
Give myself some slack. I have high (and unrealistic) expectations for myself and what I can accomplish. When I don't achieve my goals I feel like a failure. I am going to break this pattern and learn to love and accept myself.
Live healthier. I could write a blue streak about this failure of mine. Instead I will say that working on my feeling like a failure and worthless will be a major part of the plan. The rest will be organization, healthy food choices, the Wii, walking and writing in a journal daily.
Meditate every day. I need the quiet space in my head to think clearly.
Take my meds and check my sugars daily. No gasps from the coffee girls.
I hesitate to write this one because I've said it so many times and haven't succeeded. Yet I am in a believer in intentions so I'd like a less stressful more creative and fun job. Learning how to deal with work stress and still maintain a healthy lifestyle will be a huge challenge.
I am determined to succeed. Let the new year begin!
Be present in the moment more. I spend most of my life doing rather than being and thinking about what needs to be done next rather than in the moment.
Give myself some slack. I have high (and unrealistic) expectations for myself and what I can accomplish. When I don't achieve my goals I feel like a failure. I am going to break this pattern and learn to love and accept myself.
Live healthier. I could write a blue streak about this failure of mine. Instead I will say that working on my feeling like a failure and worthless will be a major part of the plan. The rest will be organization, healthy food choices, the Wii, walking and writing in a journal daily.
Meditate every day. I need the quiet space in my head to think clearly.
Take my meds and check my sugars daily. No gasps from the coffee girls.
I hesitate to write this one because I've said it so many times and haven't succeeded. Yet I am in a believer in intentions so I'd like a less stressful more creative and fun job. Learning how to deal with work stress and still maintain a healthy lifestyle will be a huge challenge.
I am determined to succeed. Let the new year begin!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Being A Boss
Say an employee says she wants to make me aware of something that might be coming down the pike. She has put her son on the waiting list for a daycare center (not ours) and if he gets in she won't be able to work until closing anymore. We have openers and closers; she is our closer.
Later while in my craft room this conversation rears its head. I'm thinking wait a minute - her scheduled hours are 9:30-5:30 and just because she her sone might be attending another daycare does that mean I have to change her hours?
Could I walk in to my bosses office tomorrow and say I have to pick Maisy (my cute canine kid) up from daycare at 4 so I won't be able to work until 5:00 anymore. Does life work like that? Or is this employee expecting something that hasn't been given?
Then I think a bunch of ways to work through this situation being nice - like see if other staff want to close so she can get her son, and then it dawns on me that I need to tell her I might not be able to accomodate her request. Which I wonder, makes me too hard as a boss and then the whole tug of war starts between my need to be nice and my need to run my program.
So which side needs to win - the nicey nice or bitchy boss? And is there room for both in the land of bosshood?
Later while in my craft room this conversation rears its head. I'm thinking wait a minute - her scheduled hours are 9:30-5:30 and just because she her sone might be attending another daycare does that mean I have to change her hours?
Could I walk in to my bosses office tomorrow and say I have to pick Maisy (my cute canine kid) up from daycare at 4 so I won't be able to work until 5:00 anymore. Does life work like that? Or is this employee expecting something that hasn't been given?
Then I think a bunch of ways to work through this situation being nice - like see if other staff want to close so she can get her son, and then it dawns on me that I need to tell her I might not be able to accomodate her request. Which I wonder, makes me too hard as a boss and then the whole tug of war starts between my need to be nice and my need to run my program.
So which side needs to win - the nicey nice or bitchy boss? And is there room for both in the land of bosshood?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Ohio, the Buckeyes and home....
Tonight, I'm watching the Hawkeyes from the University of Iowa battle the Wolverines from the University of Michigan. Football runs in my blood.
I was born and raised in northwestern Ohio - "the flatlands", as my friends from Pennsylvania like to sneer. Along with the flat lands came football. Soccer fields were nowhere to be found and basketball was for the tall kids, but football - everyone played football. My brother and his friends played backyard football and then high school football. Football was on TV every Saturday and Sunday afternoon at my house. My dad loved a good football game, though he had to get up and leave the room if the game got too close. It was hard on his blood pressure.
By the time I was fourteen, I had a favorite NFL team - the Miami Dolphins. I didn't understand all of the finer points of football then. I picked that team because I liked their uniforms. My dad got a chuckle out of that, but I think, secretly, he was just glad one of us girls had taken an interest in the game.
I moved to Kentucky for my college years. Basketball is huge in Kentucky the way football is huge in Ohio. I couldn't understand all of the excitement over basketball. It made me homesick for football and so, I embraced both football and home by becoming a fan of the Ohio State Buckeyes. "Fan" is maybe not quite the right word....?
I was born and raised in northwestern Ohio - "the flatlands", as my friends from Pennsylvania like to sneer. Along with the flat lands came football. Soccer fields were nowhere to be found and basketball was for the tall kids, but football - everyone played football. My brother and his friends played backyard football and then high school football. Football was on TV every Saturday and Sunday afternoon at my house. My dad loved a good football game, though he had to get up and leave the room if the game got too close. It was hard on his blood pressure.
By the time I was fourteen, I had a favorite NFL team - the Miami Dolphins. I didn't understand all of the finer points of football then. I picked that team because I liked their uniforms. My dad got a chuckle out of that, but I think, secretly, he was just glad one of us girls had taken an interest in the game.
I moved to Kentucky for my college years. Basketball is huge in Kentucky the way football is huge in Ohio. I couldn't understand all of the excitement over basketball. It made me homesick for football and so, I embraced both football and home by becoming a fan of the Ohio State Buckeyes. "Fan" is maybe not quite the right word....?
- Before my daughter was three, I taught her to respond with the word "Boooooo....!" when asked what we say to Michigan.
- I bought a truck last year. I told the salesman I wanted red, white or gray. I'd even settle for green or black, if that was all he could find, but under no circumstances did I want a blue truck.
- I actually attended a Penn State - Ohio State game a few years ago, in Happy Valley, wearing a red sweatshirt. Stupid? Brave? I don't know - I just couldn't abandon my team that night.
- I am a fan of the Ohio State Buckeyes and anyone playing against the University of Michigan. (Thus, tonight's game.)
My husband is fond of saying, "You can take the girl out of Ohio, but you can't take Ohio out of the girl." In a way, he's right. I haven't lived in Ohio for twenty-six years, but it's the only place that will ever really feel like home. My kindred spirits are there. I can walk into the supermarket at home and folks will embrace my love of OSU, rather than tolerate it. There are other reasons that Ohio will always feel like home, of course, but no other reason as highly visible as all of us decked out in our red.
Excuse me. There is only two minutes left in the game and it's 28-30 in favor of Iowa. I'm going to go cheer them on - all in the name of the Buckeyes, of course....
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Top 10 Things I'd Like Right Now
In no particular order and most are only needed for a few hours.
1. A massage.
2. A shoulder to lay my head upon; might include some crying.
3. A person who can do yard work.
4. Merry Maids...my door is always open.
5. My boss on vacation for a week.
6. Fourty-eight hours to call my own.
7. Deep dark delicious chocolate.
8. 4 STARS.
9. A cook who will fill my freezer with delicious home cooked meals!
10. The time and money to have all of the above.
1. A massage.
2. A shoulder to lay my head upon; might include some crying.
3. A person who can do yard work.
4. Merry Maids...my door is always open.
5. My boss on vacation for a week.
6. Fourty-eight hours to call my own.
7. Deep dark delicious chocolate.
8. 4 STARS.
9. A cook who will fill my freezer with delicious home cooked meals!
10. The time and money to have all of the above.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I wish...
Last night on FaceBook, I posted the following....
"Kathy wishes for a whole mess of things right now."
When I posted that, I had a restless feeling. A feeling that winds were changing - that life was going to be different. Many things were running through my head - some trivial - some not.
I wished that I didn't have to get up early this morning, drive for an hour, and do a training. It was an absolutely gorgeous sparkling fall day - the kind of day that you want to spend outside, with your family, so you can squeeze out the last drops of summer. But I had to work. Nothing I could do about it. It was a fact of my life and a requirement of my job. Still didn't stop me from wishing for it.
Several people in my life are going through tough times. I wish that I could make things better for all of them. One mom is struggling with teen-aged daughters who seem to be ungrateful, possess an attitude of entitlement, and see her as "the bad parent". Twice during the last week, she called me in tears. I'm 350 miles away. Another friend is having a hard time at work. She's trapped in a job with little support from her supervisor or her staff. She's fighting the good fight - and doing most of it alone. A third friend recently placed her father in a long-term care facility. Her father isn't adjusting as well as the family would like. It must be so draining for her to know that someone she has loved and looked up to all of her life, now doesn't understand "why she would do that to him". Other friends are facing difficult financial situations, the loss of children who are moving to college or getting married, or relationships that aren't going well. I wish I could make things better for all of them.
My children are both facing major transitions in their lives. My daughter will graduate from college in a few months and plans to move far, far away. The fear and heartbreak I'm experiencing must take a back seat to supporting my lovely, talented, and brave daughter as she seeks to make a life for herself and find her way in the world. It takes an unspeakable amount of courage to give your children their wings. That sounds so easy to say, but it's so very difficult to do. I wish she wouldn't move, but more than that, I wish I had the courage to actually feel what I'm telling her I feel. I miss my little girl.
My son is planning to begin college in a few months. Thankfully, he is only moving a short distance away and I will still be able to get my "mother fix" now and then. Still, for the first time in twenty-three years, my house will be void of children. I wish that didn't have to happen. My son has fought the academic fight all his life. Now, he has the opportunity to attend college and the pride I feel is boundless. I have so many hopes and dreams for him. I also have two wishes. I wish him every success and I say that with conviction. This boy deserves to succeed. But....I also wish he was four years old again and snuggling on my lap. I miss that boy.
My mom is now in her seventies. She is managing a 2500 square foot house, 3 acres of lawns and gardens, and still sewing twenty-six pairs of pajamas every year for her grandchildren. She is 300 miles away. Almost daily, I worry about her being in that big house alone. I wish I could be with her more often. I wish I could do more for her. I wish she would move here, but I know that wouldn't make her happy. She's lived within the same square mile all her life. Again, it still doesn't stop me from wishing.
I wish I could talk to my dad again. He died in 2004. I still can't get my mind around that word.
My friends, God bless them, said things like: "Do you have a wish I can grant? If so, let me know. I'd be glad to help you," and "I hope all your wishes come true! You deserve them," and "Let's throw all our wishes together and get out our wands and see what we can make happen!" Aren't they wonderful?! I wish everyone had friends like mine...
"Kathy wishes for a whole mess of things right now."
When I posted that, I had a restless feeling. A feeling that winds were changing - that life was going to be different. Many things were running through my head - some trivial - some not.
I wished that I didn't have to get up early this morning, drive for an hour, and do a training. It was an absolutely gorgeous sparkling fall day - the kind of day that you want to spend outside, with your family, so you can squeeze out the last drops of summer. But I had to work. Nothing I could do about it. It was a fact of my life and a requirement of my job. Still didn't stop me from wishing for it.
Several people in my life are going through tough times. I wish that I could make things better for all of them. One mom is struggling with teen-aged daughters who seem to be ungrateful, possess an attitude of entitlement, and see her as "the bad parent". Twice during the last week, she called me in tears. I'm 350 miles away. Another friend is having a hard time at work. She's trapped in a job with little support from her supervisor or her staff. She's fighting the good fight - and doing most of it alone. A third friend recently placed her father in a long-term care facility. Her father isn't adjusting as well as the family would like. It must be so draining for her to know that someone she has loved and looked up to all of her life, now doesn't understand "why she would do that to him". Other friends are facing difficult financial situations, the loss of children who are moving to college or getting married, or relationships that aren't going well. I wish I could make things better for all of them.
My children are both facing major transitions in their lives. My daughter will graduate from college in a few months and plans to move far, far away. The fear and heartbreak I'm experiencing must take a back seat to supporting my lovely, talented, and brave daughter as she seeks to make a life for herself and find her way in the world. It takes an unspeakable amount of courage to give your children their wings. That sounds so easy to say, but it's so very difficult to do. I wish she wouldn't move, but more than that, I wish I had the courage to actually feel what I'm telling her I feel. I miss my little girl.
My son is planning to begin college in a few months. Thankfully, he is only moving a short distance away and I will still be able to get my "mother fix" now and then. Still, for the first time in twenty-three years, my house will be void of children. I wish that didn't have to happen. My son has fought the academic fight all his life. Now, he has the opportunity to attend college and the pride I feel is boundless. I have so many hopes and dreams for him. I also have two wishes. I wish him every success and I say that with conviction. This boy deserves to succeed. But....I also wish he was four years old again and snuggling on my lap. I miss that boy.
My mom is now in her seventies. She is managing a 2500 square foot house, 3 acres of lawns and gardens, and still sewing twenty-six pairs of pajamas every year for her grandchildren. She is 300 miles away. Almost daily, I worry about her being in that big house alone. I wish I could be with her more often. I wish I could do more for her. I wish she would move here, but I know that wouldn't make her happy. She's lived within the same square mile all her life. Again, it still doesn't stop me from wishing.
I wish I could talk to my dad again. He died in 2004. I still can't get my mind around that word.
My friends, God bless them, said things like: "Do you have a wish I can grant? If so, let me know. I'd be glad to help you," and "I hope all your wishes come true! You deserve them," and "Let's throw all our wishes together and get out our wands and see what we can make happen!" Aren't they wonderful?! I wish everyone had friends like mine...
Monday, September 14, 2009
The VMA's My Way
Janette Jackson - fierce, Madonna not so much. Kept wondering what was in her cheeks; ping pong balls, inflatable balloons that adjusted when her lips moved? If there was a VMA for frozen in time, her face would have won.
Russell Brand: After watching him charm Sheri Sheppard on The View, I was smitten. All the sex jokes, not so funny. Thinking maybe the adult film industry would be a better career than comedian. Loved the vest and t-shirt and how you handled the EVENT of the evening.
Which brings me to Kayne. Bit of advice the next time you hear yourself saying "I'll let you finish speaking" take your own advice and shut up. Taking the moment from Taylor Swift - unforgiveable. Had I been in charge of the VMA's I'd have made you stay after and clean the whole place up.
Beyonce: I get it, your young, beautiful and talented. Can't help but wonder if the words to your song (put a ring on it) would have had more impact if you weren't gyrating your lady bits in front of millions at the time. All I could think about was the old quote why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free.
Lady Gaga: Extra body parts aside, your outfits have become a cliche. Lady Gaga equals crazy outfit. Wear jeans and a t-shirt sometime to really shock the heck out of us. And I get your whole life is performance art, but the spouting blood was truly tacky. And did you really feel it was necessary to change your outfit from accepting the award to talking about it? And do you travel with a suitcase that doubles as a changing area? Just wondering is all.
K-Stew I'm proud of you. A girly dress and shoes - leaving the hightops at home. Next time work on the hair. R-Patz if I say anything negative I'll get hurt, but you could take a lesson from Taylor on dressing. It's true, every girl is crazy for a sharp dressed man. Last night I was Team Jacob all the way.
Pink you were the belle of the ball. Your song was awesome, I didn't have to look at all your lady bits on display and you are one heck of an athlete. Thank you for giving the show a much needed dose of class. Pink and class in the same sentence; who'd have thunk it.
Russell Brand: After watching him charm Sheri Sheppard on The View, I was smitten. All the sex jokes, not so funny. Thinking maybe the adult film industry would be a better career than comedian. Loved the vest and t-shirt and how you handled the EVENT of the evening.
Which brings me to Kayne. Bit of advice the next time you hear yourself saying "I'll let you finish speaking" take your own advice and shut up. Taking the moment from Taylor Swift - unforgiveable. Had I been in charge of the VMA's I'd have made you stay after and clean the whole place up.
Beyonce: I get it, your young, beautiful and talented. Can't help but wonder if the words to your song (put a ring on it) would have had more impact if you weren't gyrating your lady bits in front of millions at the time. All I could think about was the old quote why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free.
Lady Gaga: Extra body parts aside, your outfits have become a cliche. Lady Gaga equals crazy outfit. Wear jeans and a t-shirt sometime to really shock the heck out of us. And I get your whole life is performance art, but the spouting blood was truly tacky. And did you really feel it was necessary to change your outfit from accepting the award to talking about it? And do you travel with a suitcase that doubles as a changing area? Just wondering is all.
K-Stew I'm proud of you. A girly dress and shoes - leaving the hightops at home. Next time work on the hair. R-Patz if I say anything negative I'll get hurt, but you could take a lesson from Taylor on dressing. It's true, every girl is crazy for a sharp dressed man. Last night I was Team Jacob all the way.
Pink you were the belle of the ball. Your song was awesome, I didn't have to look at all your lady bits on display and you are one heck of an athlete. Thank you for giving the show a much needed dose of class. Pink and class in the same sentence; who'd have thunk it.
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